Sunday 26th July 2009

Taking into account the muscle strains, backaches, stiffness and general lethargy that's affecting all within our house after a jam packed weekend the thought prevails that we are merely a couple of care workers and a pot of Horlicks away from being rebranded as an Old Folks Home.

The causes of our individual moans are variable, yet equally well founded. Carole endured back to back fitness classes today after an already partaking in similar activities yesterday, Isis and Sima continue to recover from their infections and operations respectively, while Luca and I endured many (too many) an hour driving aimlessly around.

To explain further, this weekend was supposed to be the weekend where I - finally - bought myself a new car. However, my intentions were clearly not strong enough to defy fate, and as I type this (it's 11.07pm on Sunday night) my status still remains as a continuing incumbent of local Aberdeenshire "shit-shovel" services (to slightly misquote "Viz" magazines public transport parlance).

As ever I drift. To get back to the main point - aches and pains for those of you not paying attention - I spent over 12 hours yesterday driving round Scotlands Central Belt (with an uncomplaining little brother in tow) searching for a perfect car with a budget of 31 pence and a packet of Maltesers. Yes, as always my expectations outstrip my capabilities! Suffice to say at the end of the day our backs ached worse than Mrs John Prescotts migraine on Valentines Night.

If you're keeping up with this illegible jumble of words, you'll have noticed that Luca was also forced to endure excessive driving. This is because after Ross and my fruitless (individually targeted) search on Saturday I changed tack on Sunday and conducted an entirely random search of Aberdeen/Aberdeenshire garages. Twenty one garages I may add! As I decided Ross had endured enough the previous day I instead enlisted the company of Luca. His knowledge of car engines/electrics/bodywork/etc is admittedly inferior to that of his uncle but he does belt out a rather awe inspiring version of "Ba Ba Black Sheep" so it's swings and roundabouts.

Anyway, suffice to say that although today wasn't as arduous as Saturday it was still lengthy nonetheless - over six hours spent circling Aberdeens car stockrooms. Luca endured it all with good grace, perhaps knowing that the better he behaved the tastier the food his old Dad would treat him with. This was most pertinently proven by the giant tub of ice cream straight after lunch he was presented with. "Ice cream!!!!" he squealed, "All for Luca?" he questioned. The first spoonful entered his mouth before I could even nod my head.

He is so generous though, and despite knowing the icy sweetness was his, he still generously held out regular spoons for his grateful Dad. Rather amusingly on a couple of occasions he pushed the spoon into my mouth, watched me swallow and then patted me caringly on the shoulder while telling me I was a "Good boy Daddy"! Sometimes I forget which way round this parenting lark go's.

We also found time to visit the local funfair. It's been quite a while since I last took him, and as such he became entranced watching this strange world as we doddled through. The roller coaster in particular fixated him. "Daddy look" he wailed "Trains are going fast, up and down, going to fall down!". I had to stay and watch it go round for the next ten minutes until he was convinced it wasn't going to fall from the tracks.

I should mention he had his first outdoor wee today too. We'd just finished having fun photo's taken on one of the fairground machines (they're hard copy so I can't post them - sorry!) when he announced that "I need a wee Daddy!". The desperation in his eyes and the Irish jig convinced me this was urgent so I bundled him under my arm and ran for the car. Carole had loaded his potty in the back seat for such an emergency, so we grabbed it out, put it on the ground in what (I thought) was a reasonably private spot between two cars, pulled down his trousers and let him wee. He was delighted with the wind buffeting his under regions as he jetted into the potty and smiled cheerily at a large Welsh family as they walked past eyeballing this spectacle. It reminds you that the key ingredient you need to succeed as a parent is to have no shame whatsoever.

He enjoyed his day overall though, and was a pleasure to be around - similarly as was Ross yesterday I hasten to add! Understandably, after such a day, he fell asleep quite quickly tonight, albeit not before briefly outfoxing his Mum with his ever burgeoning range of delaying tactics designed to keep her captive in his bedroom.

You may have noticed the strangely irrelevant set of photo's featured. I did take the camera with us on our expedition today but the batteries failed. Frustrating. However, those featured were taken tonight (on my camera phone, hence the fuzzy images) and rather sweetly demonstrate the growing bond between boy and pup. He loves Sima to bits, and as he gets older and is more capable of handling her gently she in turn is more inclined to spend time with him safe in the knowledge he won't decide to stick Playdough up her bum.

**Useless fact of the day - Around 12 per cent of the Earth's land surface is covered in permanent snow and ice**

Wednesday 22nd July 2009

As promised here sits a big boy atop his big boy bed.



He may not be smiling in this picture, but suffice to say he loves the change in his bedtime environment. The look of wonderment that adorned that cherubic (yet cunning) face was a sight to behold. Imagine Alan Carr's genes spliced with those of Leslie Phillips and you can probably imagine how overstated and camp Luca's exclamation of "Oooooh" was when brought into his bedroom to witness the new sleep time apparatus.



For the life of me I can't place who he looks like in this picture. So familiar though. Peter Kay perchance? See the picture below to compare and decide whether I should worry about the "wacky" funnyman's whereabouts on a wet and windy night 40 months ago:-



No? Just me that sees it?

Yes, I know Luca's far too good looking before any irate relatives make comment!



Anyway, here's a better picture, this one of Luca perfecting his "come to bed" eyes which will likely serve him well about 14 years from now. Sorry, Carole's looking over my shoulder, I meant in about 30 years time when he's married to an exceptionally rich woman with a healthy uterus whom Carole has previously vetted and approved.



And here's a final one. His first night in his first bed, minutes before his eyes closed in blissful sleep. Night night Iggle Piggle.

It's late so I shan't bore you much further. The only other updates are that Isis' recovery continues unabated. She's just had her second check up by the vet who's put her on medication for ten days, but based on her remarkable recovery this is merely to err on the safe side of caution. And finally, I'm taking a road trip with Ross on Saturday. We've identified five cars in the Glasgow/Edinburgh area which we're going to test drive, one of which will be chosen as my wheezy old banger.

Similarly to how Carole described me in my pre-smoke free days.

**Useless fact of the day - The Centers for Disease Controls list of the World's Most addictive substances places cigarettes at the top of the list. Heroin is placed 5th**

Although presently not as proficient as Mum and Dad, I will however attempt to keep pace with their innumerable blogs - well, to a certain extent anyway.


Today's update is devoid of pictures and is mainly designed to update you on Isis' current condition. We received a bit of a scare over the weekend as she gradually became more lethargic and started drinking water like it was going out of fashion. Most disturbingly was the fact she was excreting blood from both ends. By Monday morning she could barely control herself and her movement was erratic to say the least.


We managed to get an urgent vets appointment and it transpires she likely has Gastroenteritis, basically an unidentifiable stomach virus that, untended, would quickly prove fatal. However, she's responded well exceptionally quickly to the drugs they have her on and the recovery now seems very likely. Her energy and appetite are slowly returning, and her stools are improved tenfold.


All this is of great relief to us, particularly to Carole. The symptoms initially appeared similar to many of those suffered by Abby in her final days. For the same to occur to Isis would, naturally, be devastating.


I'll post a proper blog later tonight, albeit after I give Sima her first walk in a week. She's recovered from her surgery well enough for me to risk a short stroll with her without risk of splitting her stitches.


It's like an episode of "Animal Hospital" at ours just now. Tomorrow we may even rescue a chipmunk with a tickly cough.


As always the final line go's to Luca, who has re-entered whiney territory. "Nooooooo", "Go away Daddy", "No like it", "Stop it, Luca do it" etc, etc. Does anyone want a toddler? Any reasonable offer considered.


Tonight I'll post pictures of Luca in his new - and first - proper bed.


**Useless fact of the day - The infamous Black Plague in Europe was due in part to the fact that people believed those with cats were witches. So all the cats were rounded up, caged and burned, leaving the rats (with there disease causing parasites) to run free and multiply. Those harbouring cats were many who survived. **

Sunday 19th June 2009

As regularly as a constipated monkeys movements - and probably as equally coveted - comes our latest blog. Tonight's will be light on text, but packed full of Luca photo's. Indeed, possibly even packed tighter than the aforementioned monkeys colon.

A recurring theme tonight (as you've likely already noticed) is the vintage of the pictures on display. Due to a number of factors, most prevalently my negligence with the camera of late, I have no new pictures to show you. As such you'll have to make due with a selection of pictures not previously even deemed worthy of consideration.

To commence with the main objective of the blog we'll forsake the usual apologies and update you with Luca's recent activities. Unfortunately, as such activities have mainly involved bodily functions I should perhaps place a disclaimer at this point encouraging you to read no further if you're even slightly squeamish.



I exaggerate as always, but today has been slightly fraught on that front. Despite Luca's recent progress during potty training, he's taken an almighty backward step today. Our first incident came early. I'd taken Luca swimming first thing - no great incident there despite his continual emboldenment resulting in a willingness to jump from the poolside and venture onto the water slide - and followed this up by a run to the local supermarket to pick up the Sunday papers. Luca was his usual gregarious self, bouncing round the supermarket like a little chubby kangaroo all the while charming any old lady who came within earshot ("Hallo lady, Luca's bouncing!"), until the cheeriness came to an abrupt halt in the egg aisle. A waterfall erupted from the bottom of his shorts, shocking the little one to a standstill and causing his lip to tremble like a naked Inuit.

This was followed by two more accidents at home. The first of the latter two took place as he performed an impromptu dance in front of his Mum in the living room, and the second with his Dad as he kept me company in the loft. This final "incident" caused me the most consternation as he was giving his old man a cuddle at the time. I remember thinking "Mmmm, Luca's nice and warm today" before discovering the source of the extra "warmth"

A long soak in the bath later I rejoined the magical urinating boy and his Mum downstairs and started cooking tea. Tonight I made Red Thai Curry, on Carole's request (nay demand) as it had proven such a success the previous night when we had company round. Kev and Jenny came round for the evening, despite knowing in advance that I was doffing my chef's hat and consequently anything could happen. Gratifyingly Carole and Luca kept them busy as I slaved over the stove, as usual guesstimating at volumes of each ingredient to add, and bunging some extra random stuff in I'd found in the cupboard purely out of curiosity. Perversely it tasted great, and did a good job in soaking up much of the copious amounts of alcohol that had been consumed prior to the meal.

Unfortunately it's now too late at night - the clock has struck midnight just prior to the commencement of this sentence - for me to recall too much else from the preceding few days, and as such I'm forced to sign off a little ahead of when I would have hoped. Suffice to say all here are well - Carole's still determinedly wearing out the soles of her trainers at the gym, Sima's continued her remarkably rapid recovery from her operation and Isis? Well, she's Isis isn't she? She farts, it makes her happy.

**Useless fact of the day - Intestinal gas or flatulence is the result of the dog's digestive processes and intestinal microbial population breaking down food. Like any chemical reaction this process can release various side products depending on what the initial reactants are. Some foods (starches and sugars) release more gases. Other foods containing sulfurous compounds (eggs, garlic) can release gases containing odorous mercaptans and sulfides**

Tuesday 14th July 2009

A wise man once said "With great power comes great responsibility". Although wise is probably stretching it. It was actually Spiderman's uncle who came up with the immortal line. I'm not entirely sure of his IQ, but he may have been wise. Or perhaps just having an inspired moment. Or, to contemplate and over complicate the matter, was it rather the comic writer who was wise? Or inspired?

I'm drifting. I was simply trying to make the point that with close family based such a distance from here I need to take greater care of the responsibility I have to update this blog with many a new picture of Luca. I admit my entries have been sporadic of late, a fact which Carole has "subtly" reminded me of over the past few days.

I'm afraid there's not the usual chronological order to the photo's today. Ashamedly, I've simply randomly uploaded a hotch-potch of pictures I took today and stuck them in with as much care as Luca with a permanent marker pen atop laminate flooring.

Yes, I'm afraid he did, across the floor of our spare bedroom. Thankfully Carole caught him soon enough to scrub the markings from the floor before they dried in. Parenting = Daily heart attack

His cheeky grin doth forgive most sins nonetheless. He's been a bundle of fun regardless, and I'd love to regale you with many amusing incidents that have occurred since the last blog, but my memory forbids. Marbles? What are they?

He's actually been terrific of late, and has a surprisingly profound understanding of what occurs around him. As you'll notice in the picture above, Sima is being forced to wear a "lampshade" on her head. This is due to an operation she underwent yesterday to have her fixed. She's fine, but we need to be very gentle with her for the next couple in weeks in order to ensure her stitches don't split. As you'd guess our main concern was with Luca who, being a typically rambunctious 31 month old, can be a little (unintentionally) rough with the dogs on occasions. However, when we brought Sima home yesterday we sat him down and explained that he had to be gentle with her as she has an "owey". We showed him the stitching and dried blood that adorns Sima's stomach, and he immediately understood. Despite perennially spending great swathes of time hugging and rolling around the floor with the Jack Russell, he's showing her great respect and only lightly strokes her head now. We're much impressed, mostly as he hasn't yet forgotten the need to be gentle with her. Sima though? She seems to have already forgotten about it and is bouncing around like Tigger on acid. I have visions of the stitching breaking and her insides dropping onto the kitchen floor "a la" the taun-taun scene in "The Empire Strikes Back"

My car search has shifted up a gear (pun not intended), and I now have my eye on a number of motor's. Despite Carole compelling me to extend my budget I'm desperate to keep my spend as low as possible. I've been out to see a few cars now, and am now a (little) better educated as to what's suitable. I've always been distinctly disinterested in the nuances of cars and am surely the most archetypal and cliched tyre-kicker when it comes to purchasing. Descriptive elements such as "horse-power" fly so far above my head as to breach earths atmosphere. That said, final purchase will be made within days, hopefully locally but possibly forcing me to travel as far South as Nottinghamshire.

Luca's potty training will at last be concluded this week. As of tomorrow, Carole is taking a few days off just to spend time at home with the Brown Eyed Boy. This is to finalise his already impressive potty training regime. Despite his initial enthusiasm for the training - he viewed it as a game - he now treats each incident, gratifyingly, as commonplace, showing how close to the cessation of the need for nappies he really is. His Mum's done a great job with the continual psychological and physiological aspects to the training while I've assisted by, errm, clapping a bit.

I was off work today - attending to the post-op and expectedly tender yet in reality bouncy Sima - which consequently allowed me time to get other things done (car search, shopping, etc). It also gratifyingly gave me the opportunity to attempt to replicate what Carole does daily - feed Luca his tea. I'm aware in writing the task sounds simple enough, yet of late he has become as fussy as a Koala Bear.

Before I continue, and to explain, Koala's eat only eucalyptus leaves, but perversely only eat 6 of the 500 varieties available.

Thankfully tonight was one of his better nights, and he attacked his macaroni like a lion would a gazelle. Why was tonight different? Because he's a contrary little s*d when he wants to be! He'd also perhaps worked up a bit of an appetite earlier in the day when conducting his "school bully" schtick. It transpires that whilst at nursery he'd beaten an older boy with a stick in the garden, and scared the child - who towered above him - to such an extent that he was too scared to even accept Luca's apology! Obviously I had the fatherly chat with him when informed, which went as follows:-

"Did you hit the big boy with a stick?"

"Yes Daddy" (grin)

"Do you know that's naughty?"

"Yes Daddy" (big grin)

"Would you like Daddy to hit you?"

"No Daddy"(laugh)

"Will you do it again"

"No Daddy" (belly laughs)

So I'm certain he understands that what he did was wrong, and he knows not to do it again - but does the laughing indicate disdain, lack of understanding or naughtiness?

Kelly, please don't move to Oz, I need you up here to figure out Luca's evil intentions! I have nightmares of he, in later years, creating his own laser and nuclear weaponry and blackmailing the worlds Governments whilst cackling "Why no Mr Bond, I expect you to die"

**Useless fact of the day - The Bowhead Whale is known to live to 211 years of age**

Monday 6th July 2009

It was my birthday yesterday (what, you mean I hadn't mentioned it before??) so Mum and Ross popped round for a birthday lunch. Here's Ross taking his prerequisite seat outside with a smoke and a puppy. He's as fond of the yapping one as he is of a smoke (disgusting habit - I'm not a bitter ex-smoker.....), and I'm certain he'll forcefully adopt Sima any day soon.

Though based on the Jack Russell's recent sickness Carole wouldn't object. On Saturday night both dogs were physically sick, and at one point Carole was stood over the toilet at 3am with a puppy in her arms, watching it vomit down the bowl. Where was I when my puppy needed me? I was sleeping - dead to the world - after a few too many beers at a BBQ we'd attended earlier that night.....



We forewarned Ross of Luca's potty training before he arrived so he knew we hadn't simply forgotten to clothe Shorty from the waist down. Above is a nice picture a Luca's standard pose, gripping and fiddling with his "bits". Caroles a little affronted by this, particularly when he embarks on his "exercises". He's able to lift it up and down - without touching it......

You'll also notice the wet patch on his Granny's jeans. Mum hadn't had an accident, the wetness was due to cleaning a Luca "accident". For reasons known only to himself, Luca proceeded to "follow through" when sitting on his Granny's knee! To make matters worse, she was initially unsure as to whether it was the noxious substance she feared or simply a bar of chocolate he'd sat on. Is it appropriate for me to mention that both Gran and Mum had a good smell of it to be certain?

Gratefully both washed their hands before lunch, which was a light lamb and rice salad. Although tasty, did Luca eat any? Or did the bowl of cheese puffs take a hammering instead? Answers on a postcard to "Bloody Obvious Answers, Obvious Street, Obviousville"



And here's the sweaty child himself. For those of you squinting that's a toy car in his hand, and not the substance to which we previously alluded to.

Finally many thanks to everyone for the cards/gifts/calls/texts/emails/etc yesterday. It's really nice to be thought of on your birthday, especially considering the almost insurmountable number of birthdays that have already passed me by.

**Useless fact of the day - My birthstone (ruby) signifies contentment, Carole's (topaz) means faithfulness while Luca's (Turquoise) relates to wealth**

Saturday 4th July 2009

A rather musical themed - last picture notwithstanding - blog today, with Luca demonstrating his newfound grasp of the recorder. He's used it intermittently since I bought it for him about 6 months ago, but despite being aware that it should make a noise he hadn't quite grasped how to do so.

Indeed, of late he's been holding it in front of his mouth while making a honking noise with his voice! Is he a little slow on the uptake or a lateral thinker? Press the red button on your remote to cast your vote.

He only arrived home a short while ago after having spent the night at his Granny and Granda's house. With it being my birthday tomorrow Carole took me out last night to "Meldrum House" for a meal - the same place to which I took her on Valentines Day, where we enjoyed the best lunch either of us had ever had. Last night was of a similar quality (Carole's Rib Eye Beef literally melted on your tongue), although curiously after this almost cyclopean 5 course experience I was still - perversely - a little hungry! Or was it just gluttony?

Luca had a day trip on Thursday with his nursery to a play centre a short distance North of here. He had a great time - as he told me himself. Our conversation after my arrival home from work went as such:-

"Did you enjoy your day out Luca"

"Yes, was good, went on the bus"

"Did you enjoy the bus?

"Liked it, sat with Sky"

"And did you behave?"

"Luca put his seatbelt on!"

And on and on and on..... It's terrific fun conversing with Mini-Me, his vocabulary is extensive and his ability to string sentences together sometimes surprises you. Even when he's quiet - though with his Corthorn blood this obviously isn't often - you can see him pay attention to what others around him are saying. He's past the part of his life where he simply replicates what he's heard, but he does often use phrases he's heard earlier that day in his sentences. Sometimes he gets the context wrong, but the attempt is there nonetheless.

Tonight we're going to a friends barbecue in Torphins, and after much deliberation we've decided to take him along. It'll be a late night for him, and conversely a short night for us, but the short one should provide some amusement. Or chaos. Hopefully the former, more likely the latter....

**Useless fact of the day - Some studies suggest there may be a cancer risk related to eating food cooked by high-heat cooking techniques as grilling, frying, and broiling**