Monkeys at the zoo

As the American humourist Evan Esar once wrote "Zoo: An Excellent place to study the habits of human beings". With this in mind we took Luca on his first visit to a zoo, in sunny Edinburgh. What would the experience reveal about him? Read on.

30 miles into our journey South came the protracted and windy climb over the Fettercairn mountains. Of course we felt it necessary to subject Luca to the gruesome blustery winds upon reaching the top. I took three photo's here, and the above is the only one without our toddlers understandably grizzly glare.

Here's the first picture taken after entry to the zoo. He looks like he's auditioning for a Colgate advert.

Keen to impress upon his parents his ever burgeoning sense of adventure, here he daringly climbs a rope bridge which hung precariously almost 18 inches from the (soft, woodchipped) ground.

Yes, of course he froze! Here's his Mummy being forced to rescue him.

That's the laugh of an embarrassed parent....

"I was brave Daddy!". Errrm, no you weren't

Which is more prevalent to call attention to? The curious monkey behind the glass with the wonky tail or the curious monkey in front of it with his almost mullet-esque haircut?

Chimpanzee! Luca loved this, as every time he touched the glass the chimp kissed it! He bounced 3 foot backward in a single bound when it first occurred.

"Daddy, what's that brown stuff covering the inside of the glass?" Errrmmm......Yes, the cliche is true, they really do spend their days hurling their own poo at you.

We drive a 300 mile round trip to take him for his first visit to a zoo and his favourite bit is the ruddy climbing frames......

The penguin parade marched within inches of our toes as Luca held his breath.

I have no zoom on my camera phone, I really was within touching distance of this pygmy hippo. When it lay down it looked like the new pouffe we have in our living room.

He looks bold here doesn't he?

It didn't last. Although barely visible, he has a plastic cup filled with nectar in his hand. The bird hopped onto his wrist to feed, causing an almost cataclysmic panic attack. He screamed, tossing the cup as far as he could while simultaneously doing that weird steppy dance only spooked toddlers seem able to do.

We decided to go home shortly after, although still only arriving back at 9pm. Here he is flat out in bed shortly after. All together now - aawwwwww.......

**Useless fact of the day - Around 400 billion birds live on this planet with us**

In Luca's words!

A new type of blog begins today. As tired as I'm certain you all are of reading my version of events, I have uploaded photo's taken today (of a trip to the cinema, funfair and beach) and have Luca sitting on my knee as I type. From here I'll show Luca each picture and will type exactly - verbatim - what he says under each picture!

"Luca!!!!! Look at me! Luca's big"

"I'm the Daddy now"

"Luca Luca Luca there! Sweeties in the green cup"

"No no no no, you're doing it all wrong!"

"What?"

"Ice cream ice cream ice cream ice cream"

"Daddy eating my ice cream!"

"He's running so fast - I'm the fastest, I'm faster than you"

"What? Luca's stopped"

"I don't like that photo"

"Yeah yeah no no no no"

"I find a wiggly worm"

"Luca reaches the wiggly worm"

Hmmm, not an experiment to be repeated......

**Useless fact of the day - It takes an average of 50 licks to finish off a single scoop ice cream cone**

Dear lord when is summer?

It's reeeaaallllyyyy cold tonight - a cold snap in Inverurie is the rock to our radiators scissors - so I won't dally too long on details. Let's go.

Luca. Playing marble madness.

Luca. Atop a slide.

Luca again. I need to explain slides to him.

Our dogs at the top of Bennachie. Looking sh***ed out

The pup. "Can someone carry me back down?"

"Please"

"Like **** I'm walking that again"

Much, much more to report. Another night. My blue tinged fingers will snap off shortly if I don't get in that bath. Night everybody.

**Useless fact of the day - From about September 1942 to about December 1943 experiments were conducted at the Nazi Ravensbrück concentration camp, for the benefit of the German Armed Forces, to study bone, muscle, and nerveregeneration, and bone transplantation from one person to another. Sections of bones, muscles, and nerves were removed from the subjects without use of anesthesia. As a result of these operations, many victims suffered intense agony, mutilation, and permanent disability**

Youth long passed

I've broken myself again.

God only knows how I manage to injure myself in the most peculiar ways, but this time it's my back that is causing me to stoop lower than the underbelly of a Tory MP.

I'm even unsure as to how it occurred. Most likely the main damage was caused during a game of "tuck and roll" with Luca, where we tuck ourselves into a giant ball and roll in whatever direction causes Luca to scream the loudest. "That's enough Daddy...........Do it again now!"

The cause is unimportant, the effect, however, is. By Tuesday the pain caused me to cancel my game of football, and I instead returned straight home from work to chill. However, I relaxed a little too long in the armchair, which resulted in an eventual realisation that I couldn't get myself up. "Help!" I squawked, as a completely unsympathetic Carole and Mum came through to help me edge up while I over-egged the "Ows", "Ooohs" and "Aaahs"

By Wednesday morning I couldn't even get out of bed. Eventually I surfaced however, before gingerly driving to work for a particularly late - 2 hours late! - start. Vacuously I failed to comprehend that a day that begins as such is unlikely to get better, and that same evening attended Aberdeen's last home game of the season. Which they lost. Of course.

At least the brief interlude between work and the game was entertaining. I collected Luca from nursery, tasked with the objective of feeding him and transporting him to Carole's gym before I hot-footed it to the game. Luca, of course, entertains when he's confused by a change in his routine. "Where we go Dad?" he enquired as we motored along the dual carriageway sharing a battered sausage and chips. "Mummy's Gym" I replied. "Ooooh" came the response, "We do star jumps?"

We arrived at the gym a little early, so decided to kill the time by visiting the neighbouring supermarket for some chocolate. Once in we rode the escalator to the top floor - Luca's insistence, he loves this - where he almost had me arrested.

As the escalator climbed, so did Luca, eventually leading him to the step below an innocently shopping lady. What did he do at this point? He lent in to have a rest - by putting his hand on her backside. I nearly died as her head swung around, desperately relieved as she laughed at the toddler using her buttocks as his support. "Hallo" he beamed up at her as I desperately searched for a hole to dive into.

He's been his usual jolly self tonight too. Carole is working till late tonight at the election polls so Luca and I had to fend for ourselves. I picked him up from nursery where he presented me with a picture he'd drawn. "What is it?" I enquired. "It's Daddy!" he shouted while pointing at the centre of the page, "See, there's only little hairs on the head"

He's in bed now, exhausted after another busy day - we had to race to the voting polls and shops after nursery, only arriving home at 7pm. "I stay here and sleep on Daddy's knee" he grinned at me as he drank his bedtime glass of milk. "Aye, right", came the response as my stomach grumbled like an earthquake, willing him to his bed so I could eat.

Of course, I can't end without a couple of pictures of Luca - both taken on Monday evening in Morrisons as he launched himself onto the kiddies ride ( a mini tractor) and partook in his favourite meal (Fish fingers, chips and beans - "You eat the beans Dad"):-

**Useless facts of the day - A portion of chip shop chips contains less fat than a prawn mayonnaise sandwich**

A barrage of photo's

Nine photo's featured today, so without further ado:-

As mentioned on Fridays blog (the really long one in which you probably lost the will to read half way through) Carole attended an Abba themed Hen Night. Here she is above with Gail wearing boots with heels so high she was for the very first time able to look me in the eye. Of my adams apple.

Both are wearing wigs. Gails' is almost passable as real from a distance whereas Caroles, well, isn't really.........

Onto today, here's Luca at the "Blackburn Gala" purchasing a lollipop. "Here you go man" he bellows as he passes the 20p across. "What would you like?" enquired the stallholder. Cue a frown and stare from Luca. "Is it a lollipop?" came the stuttered continuation. "Yes" replied Luca, ending his Damien-esque stare and replacing it with a smile.

"It's a hill" he pointed out helpfully

"Be careful there Luca, it's wet" implored Mummy. "I climb" insists an unfazed child.

Again today, this time onto the international food festival in Inverurie. Luca and I loved it, although contrarily it was hell on earth for Carole. "Oooooh, paella" sniffed Luca's Mum wearily, resisting the temptation to break her diet.

This evening, on the now regular Luca/Daddy/Yoda run at the local Garioch Park. Luca's becoming a bit of a speed demon as demonstrated above. I actually hit the slow reacting "click" button on my camera when he was little more than 5 yards away.

Always one to try something new (!!!), here's Luca attempting the long jump on Garioch Parks athletics section. I hit the button an instant too soon however, as this over exuberant attempt led to his momentum leaving him face down in the sand.

And here's where he should stay, behind bars. Yes, that really is an incurably ugly cast iron bridge.

Although still busy, this weekend didn't lend itself toward providing Luca with an important event - his first Partick Thistle match in Glasgow. With yesterday being Partick's centenary celebration, my intention had been to take him to Firhill (along with Colin and his son). However, work intervened and a mixture of on-call and an important new account (with Cairn Energy I thought I'd pointlessly point out) ensuring I couldn't travel. This unfortunately left me unable to travel too far, so instead I grumpily took up the alternative option of accompanying Andy to Aberdeen's pointless end of season game. Which we lost. And was awful. Again. I hate football.

Upon my return home Luca showed me his new game "Marble Madness" - anyone remember playing this as a kid? It's as much fun to play as an adult now as it was back then. "No, it's my turn" wailed Luca persistently as I enjoyed it far more than I should.

In the evening Carole and I watched "The Hills Run Red", which was a romantic comedy about two love struck astrologers who meet and fall in love when their poodles have puppies together................No, of course not, it was yet another abysmally grisly and gory horror. Great stuff, especially the bit where the girl gets pulled in half.

As you'll have been able to ascertain from the pictures, today brought about a trip to a gala day in nearby Blackburn. It seemed a great idea at the time, yet proved a greater trial than anticipated. Despite promising forecasts the temperature was freezing, with the added bonus of drizzle and winds that whipped every last piece of warmth from your core. We bumped into one of Caroles workmates there, who was judging the dog show that was due to begin in two hours. "Will you be here for that?" she enquired, and my decision was made simple by Carole's eyes, clearly pleading with me to end this Arctic type torture. "I don't think so" came the muttered response.

Just had to take a two minute break from writing there, after hearing a yelp from Luca's room. Yes, it was a nightmare. I'll give you three guesses what the dream was about........

**Useless fact of the day - A Nightmare may be a way to relieve the pressures of the day and help us cope with real life stress. Scientists speculate that nightmares purge the brain of memories or associations which trigger fear**