Last day of June 2010

As June ends our unseasonably hot Scottish summer is still showing few signs of abating. The air conditioning in our office is completely knackered (that's the technical term) so I'm sweating like a fat lad on a treadmill.

The evenings offer a little more bliss however, and contrarily to the early months of 2010 I actively look forward to my evening dog walk in the evening sun. As does Yoda, although I'm a little less enamoured in her recent habit of rolling in dog excrement on each walk. "Nooooo....." comes my cry each time, and every time the startled dog will jump quickly up, coated in chocolate-esque goodness (!) with that innocent look of inquisitiveness and confusion across her foul smelling face.

One problem such a summer brings, however, is the increase in daylight hours. This seems to affect Luca somewhat, and his waking times appear to become earlier with each passing morning. "Go back to bed Luca" Carole muttered on Monday morning around 5am as the sound of those little feet padded into our bedroom "You can read a book in bed if you like". "Awright" came the reply, followed by the sound of 3 inch long feet tapping their way back to his bedroom.

He then proceeded to read his books aloud until we eventually relented.

I missed him on Monday evening, as month end at work brought with it a predictably late finish. I returned home sometime beffore 8pm to be greeted with a quiet ambience, football on the TV and my dinner being freshly prepared. Lovely. The only disappointment being - despite my appreciation of the quiet time - having not seen Luca before being put down to bed.

So, sneakily, I crept upstairs to give him a kiss and cuddle as he slept. There was, of course, a fly in the ointment, and as soon as I opened his bedroom door those familiar mini milky teeth flashed in the darkness. "Hallo Daddy!" came the call from a surprisingly still awake toddler. "Ssshhh, go to sleep" I whispered as I crept over and kissed his forehead before retreating for the door. The smile faded. "I want you with me Daddy", cue sad eyes and a tilt of the head.

Yes, I read him a quick story. Yes, he manipulated me. I'll be 35 on Monday. He's 3.

Liz arrives to stay on Friday, and already Luca has his dates confused. "Is Grandma picking me up from nursery today?" he enquired this morning. "I'm afraid not Luca, I'll pick you up" I replied, "Grandma doesn't arrive until Friday". "She's coming on the train?" he quizzed further. I nodded my affirmation. "Ah, that's good" he smiled, and paused before looking up once more "So it's Granda Ian picking me up tonight?"

Much like his Dad, he's very easily confused.

**Useless fact of the day - Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants**

This blog features the greatest picture of Luca that has ever been taken

RE: the title of this blog. It's not an erroneous claim as you'll find further on. As usual the photo's resemble anything but chronological order:-

Late morning on Fathers Day, prior to the double generational Fathers Day meal (Dad, Mum and Ross arrived later for dinner), Luca, Yoda and I took a walk down the river in neighbouring Port Elphinstone. Not the most picturesque river walk ever witnessed (notice the 1970's corrugated iron barriers in the background), but, hey, it beats walking to the park for the 3000th time.

A group of ducks (a gaggle?) appeared quickly upon our arrival, clearly indicating that most forward thinking visitors bring bread to feed to them. We, however, are neither forward thinking nor "most people".

Leaving the hungry ducks behind, Luca and I competed in a race which ended prematurely when......

.......he decided that picking flowers held greater appeal. I do worry.

Yes, this is the "greatest Luca picture ever". Surely? It was taken this morning as I took him swimming for the first time in...........I can't even remember. The excessively long duration between this session and our last was greatly noticeable, with Luca demonstrating the aquatic aptitude of a lump of coal.

He is showing greater confidence atop his bike, although he's not the most committed of cyclists. Every slight incline is met with the call of "help me, push me please". Lance Armstrong he is unlikely to become.

I don't even know when this was, only that it was taken in Carole's office.

As was this. As I wasn't there I can't tell you too much, sorry.....

To finish is a smiling toddler and his Dad. Look at the bottom of the picture for the item in my hand. That was my last crisp. Do you think I got to eat it?

**Useless fact of the day - Over 9 billion packs of crisps, snacks & nuts are eaten every year, equating to 150 bags per person per year**

Things I've learnt this week

Things I've learnt this week:-

1. Luca's nursery thinks he "needs to remember to be nice to his friends"
2. I now weigh 13 stone and 32 inch waist trousers are becoming a trifle tight
3. Vuvulela horns are more annoying than the permanent smug grin on David Camerons face
4. David Cameron has a permanent smug grin
5. There is no such thing as too much football on the television
6. Carole falls asleep quicker if you hold her hand
7. Carole always falls asleep in front of movies but never in front of live football
8. Englands goalkeepers are very bad indeed
9. Luca doesn't love his Dad very much when I tickle him so much that he falls into the radiator and hurts his "bum-bum"
10. A decent barbeque costs a minimum of £70
11. In Finland, it's customary to keep the babies name secret until the confirmation
12. Luca no longer wets his pull-up while he sleeps, and has been dry 14 days consecutively
13. Dad becomes more like his own father with every passing year
14. Luca doesn't believe I have blue eyes
15. It is important to close bedroom cupboards fully, as a hanging suit closely resembles an intruder when you wake suddenly at 3am

World Cup fever

I almost forgot (strike that, I did forget) to post the results of last weeks World Cup draw. Carole drew names out of a hat (actually, she drew them out of a big soup bowl but.....) so read on for your team:-

Dad - Australia

Mum - Japan

Ross - Mexico

Kelly - England

Lucy - Switzerland

Scott - Portugal

Cade - South Africa

Braeden - Ghana

Mike - Germany

Val - Chile

Liz - North Korea

Tom - Cameroon

Jane - Slovakia

Nick - Paraguay

Max - USA

Ben - France

Gary - Ivory Coast

Carole - Uruguay

Luca - Honduras

The individual whose team go's the furthest in the competition wins exclusive and individually catered artwork created by eminent sketcher Luca Michael Stewart. I'm sure you've heard of him.

More to follow tomorrow, I have a little "man flu" so am now returning to bed.

**Useless fact of the day - the three favourites to win the World Cup are Brazil, Spain and Argentina**

Once you pop you can't stop

Another blog! This entry makes it 3 in the last 5 days, almost exactly matching Luca's recent tantrum ratio.

Yes, he's going through a little phase just now. This afternoons (as we attempted to put him down for an afternoon nap after a busy first half to the day) was of the legendary variety, encompassing shouts, screams, slaps and uncontrollable rolls around the floor.

I was going to make an acerbic remark, comparing this behaviour to one of my siblings younger days, but the popular idiom "pots and kettles" severely diminished my ability to do so....

Hopefully it will pass, as otherwise he's been fun of late. Yesterday morning brought a trip to the nearby "Taste of Grampian" festival, basking in temperatures of 24 centigrade. My tummy gurgled contentedly, Carole's diet screamed to a halt and Luca wore a particularly curious hat. As follows:-

Later the same day Carole took Luca to the birthday party of Michael, one of his friends from nursery. Photo's and comment on this will follow in a later post, but I was most amused when a giggling Carole arrived home with the news that one of the other dads has been in serious training for this years nursery sports day parents race. Apparently my victory from last year was brought up again, and I seem to be a marked man this year.

Very amusing, and I'm bemused by the fact the discussion has further raised my competitive heckles somewhat. Why does it matter? Dad, Scott, Mike, Tom, Nick - did you ever encounter this bewildering desire at such an unimportant event?

Which segues neatly onto the next subject. The puppy almost went AWOL again. We were running round the park when a loud bang was heard from nearby. Of course, the worlds least brave dog took off, leaving me in her wake. She is very much the expeditious Russell these days, and even my full pace sprint leaves me unable to even remotely keep pace - undoubtedly and quite increduously her pace is close to that of my old greyhound.

Gratifyingly, she's a little wiser now, and paused her retreat 200 yards away just long enough for me to grab hold. Despite the worry, it was amusing watching her as I got close as her mind was drawing her head back toward me yet her little legs were still scurrying in circles like a Loony Tunes cartoon on a broken loop.

We watched the film "3:10 To Yuma" last night. Entertaining romp, but does Russell Crowe act exactly the same way in every film? Mean and intense, but opens up a wry smile every 20 minutes or so to remind you he's not so bad. Seriously, every film!

Luca and I crept out early this morning, leaving his snotty (as in ill, not haughty) Mummy to sleep a little longer. We drove through to the cinema to watch "The Princess And The Frog". It was as good and Disney-esque as you'd expect, but I most enjoy the fact the cinema allows you to spend a little time in Luca's company where he isn't constantly chatting. Honestly, that boy can witter - he never shuts up!

I will avoid making reference here to which particular Corthorn/Armstrong/Breed he most closely echo's for fear of reprisals.......

My stomach is beginning to rumble, which means I need to begin my campaign to convince Carole that we should have a Chinese takeaway tonight. With her diet, we haven't had a takeaway in a couple of months and my taste buds have begun a minor mutiny in order to rectify this situation.

On the next blog I'll describe how tasty our dinner of salad was after I inevitably lose this debate. For now, I'll leave you with a picture of a grinning Luca after the movie ended this morning:-

**Useless fact of the day - In June 2005, Russell Crowe was arrested and charged with second-degree assault by New York City police, after he threw a telephone at an employee of the Mercer Hotel who refused to help him place a call when the system did not work from his room, and was charged with fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon (the telephone)**

I know, another one!

After the recent paucity of posts, hopefully this - my second blog within 72 hours - marks a return to the comparative regularity of previous updates. Put simply, with my grey matter count falling quicker than John Terry's trousers around friends wives I need to blog regularly purely to ensure I'm able to remember anything of interest.

As such, I'll begin with last night. Following another frustrating day in the office (too many of them of late), I whizzed home quickly to collect Luca from nursery. A weary boy almost fell into my arms when I collected him, with the unnaturally (for Scotland) hot weather continuing to bemuse and exhaust our pasty, ginger bodies.

I must point out that "whizzing" home in my little Toyota is an experience in itself. Undoubtedly, few of you will have experienced the squeal of a 994cc engine as it "powers" past 70mph. Indeed, at this speed the rev count surpasses 6000. To put that into perspective, the rph exceeds the number in Jesus "posse" when he did his magic trick with the bread and wine.

Which reminds me, Carole and I will need to discuss how to play the religion card as Luca becomes older and more aware. You can boil it down to:-

Pro's:-

1. It's good to have faith, which brings feelings of belonging and community

2. If God is real (who knows?) then better to have worshipped than not ("Sorry God, I was going to pray but, y'know, The Apprentice was on the telly")

Cons:-

1. Religious bigotry, hatred, divided communities, billions of deaths caused by religious wars

2. Having to get up on Sunday mornings after a night on the lash

I know, I'm being facetious. Sorry. Nevertheless, we are thinking more of his future this year. Can you believe that one year from now he starts school? Terrifying.

What other landmarks are coming up? The wedding in just under five months, my 35th (!!!!) birthday in four weeks and the World Cup in one week......

Which leads me onto "family sweepie". My glamorous assistant (Carole) will tomorrow pick names out a hat for countries for each member of our combined families to support at the World Cup. Details of your team will be listed in the next blog.

Yes, I am conveniently ignoring the fact that England qualified (Corthorns, Breeds and Armstrong's), as did USA (Lesina's) and even bl**dy Australia (Kelly)! Scotland of course didn't though, hence.....

Anyway. Today brought about a day off for our whole family, albeit for differing reasons. I'd booked the day off work as a holiday (last chance I'll have for a while), Carole called off work sick (ill and rundown) and we were forced to pull Luca out of nursery too - he's contracted conjunctivitis.

Luca feels fine, however, and as such I took him with me as I drove out to take care of a few things. First stop was Tesco in Aberdeen to pick up a bag of shopping Carole had inadvertently left behind (don't fear, it was only toiletries - the important staples, such as my doughnuts and ice cream, had previously arrived home safely), followed by trips to purchase a book shelf for Luca, anti-fart biscuits for Isis (seriously) and a toy for a birthday party Luca's attending tomorrow. Here's Luca below giving me the run around in Tesco:-

Carole was fast asleep by the time we returned home, so following a little down time of our own Luca joined me outside to wash the cars:-

Before ending his day having his first ever - solo - shower:-

His persistent face pulling is beginning to intrigue and disturb me in equal measures:-

**Useless fact of the day - Interestingly, Americans officially have worse teeth than Brits! A "number of bad teeth per child at 12 years old" study found the following:-

Japan = 1.7 US = 1.19 UK = 0.7. Martinique was listed as the worse with 6.3**

How long?

It's been so long since my last blog - hey, I've been busy! - that you'll have to suffice with a heavily abridged text due to the surplus of photo's overflowing the memory on my camera phone. Here we go....

You've seen one picture of Luca sleeping you've seen them all. But I'll keep taking 'em!

The Corthorn genes certainly overpowered the Stewart, that's for sure.....

Of course, the Stewart taste buds remain prominent. Chocolate ice cream, mmmm.

Taken only minutes later, a chocolate buzz infused toddler raced into the nearby "Early Learning Centre" store to pick out this years Christmas present. "But I want it now" came the whine, before thankfully being followed by "I need a poo poo Daddy". Phew, my wallet saved by the distraction of his bowels. "I need very badly". Ooops, where's the nearest toilet??

Emptied and relieved, here he poses in the "Hawkins Bazaar" shop. Before almost getting me arrested as he picked up the toy rabbit as we walked out.....

Onto Duthie Park next (this was Sunday - did I mention that?). Squint your eyes to see the terror toddler gingerly climbing the steps to the summit of the most colossal kids slide I've ever come across.

"I'm at the top Daddy - I come down slow"

"Too fast too fast too fast too fast too fast too fast"

"Do it again!"

We went to the Winter Gardens next where Luca was at first transfixed by the enormous fish

Before bowing to the age of capitalism. "Daddy, there's pennies in the water. I go get them"

This was the only time during the entire day I was able to convince him to pose. I can't overstate how many of the pictures I take end up as beautiful blurs. "Cheese" he'll grin, before tearing off in the opposite direction before my camera even gos "click".

"It's too windy Daddy" he gurgled as I snapped him in the parks pavilion, "I ready to go home now"

As always the blog is dedicated primarily to the antics of our chubster, but I must briefly eschew further toddler related antics to describe possibly the most cataclysmic wedding we've ever been present at.

On Friday we attended the evening reception of one of Carole's friends (Lesley) who was marrying ex-professional footballer Jerry O'Driscoll. A great turn out and cracking venue couldn't disguise the tension in the air, caused mainly by a wedding that had run hours late. Indeed, the guests weren't shown through until almost 9pm (!), with food following even later. We made a sharp exit before 11pm, having learnt much of what not to incorporate come October.

Back to the bairn, and STOP THE PRESS, Carole has just emailed me some pictures she took on Saturday.

She and Luca attended a dinosaur exhibition at local science centre "Satrosphere". Luca loves dinosaurs, but is conversely a complete scaredy cat. Look at that expression? Mummy told him it wasn't real but in Luca's head you can never be too sure....

Bit happier here. At least I assume so. I was working. Am I allowed to use a blog to moan?

Much happier her. Still awkward however. "I no like, I want chocolate" I can imagine he whined.

And here he is operating a mechanical dinosaur, completely unaided. How old and technologically impotent does everyone feel when I let you know how proficient he is with computers? Indeed, he uses one daily at nursery. He's 3!

Yep, that's him inside a giant bubble. Allegedly he broke the world sprint record as he stampeded to the stage when the demonstrator asked for a volunteer. I think his body language perfectly illustrates his reconsidered decision as he cowers within.

I have much more to add - pithy comments, innumerable exaggerations, drunken photo's of Carole and I - but they can wait. Night all!

**Useless fact of the day - It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."**