Ladies and gentlemen please press your buzzer to vote for your favourite.....

Following work today, Luca accompanied me on a trip to the local supermarket to pick up provisions for Hogmanay. Whilst there we visited the cafe for Luca's tea, during which I picked up a copy of the "Evening Express" newspaper to peruse through while old shaggy head devoured his ham sandwich. My jaw, however, dropped upon hitting page 8. See image below:-

Too far away? OK, here it is in close up:-

Yep, that's our wedding picture again. Carole has (unbeknownst to us) been entered by the paper into their "Bride of the Week" contest. I rather think she's pleased....... So what happens now? Well, you have to vote of course, see below:-

And what's the prize? Well, nothing really, she'd then enter "Bride of the Year". But I think it may please her, which in turn would please me, and when I'm pleased I blog more, which means you'd then get more pictures of scruffy the toddler - everyone wins! So pick up your phone......

See link for details of the contest:- www.eveningexpress.co.uk/Article.aspx/1020714?UserKey=

Despite having to work on Hogmanay (boo), it's been a good day thus far. In addition to the surprise above, we've now had our new chandelier fitted in the living room, as captured below:-

Rather grand isn't it? It's certainly bright. Indeed, you know when you're under anaesthetic in the hospital, and being operated by that underqualified relief doctor from Slovenia? And he has his manual upside down and cuts the wrong bit, and you're drawn toward the blinding white light beyond the pearly gates? Our chandelier is like that, but brighter.

There's no real reason for the picture above, other than this blogs first picture of him as a 4 year old. He loved his birthday yesterday, despite temporarily departing for bed half way through! He's still struggling with illness at present and isn't quite 100% - but being the annoyingly bright child he is he has the tendancy to use it as a mean to manipulate a situation to meet his own ends.

I should end this entry now, as I must begin preparing Hogmanay dinner. It is, of course, a dish I've never previously attempted, so it could be terrific or terrible. Much like 2010 then (albeit more of the former), so rather apt.

Happy New Year from everyone from the Inverurie Stewart Clan, and I hope you enjoy the video below of Luca during his birthday celebrations yesterday.

**Useless fact of the day - January was named after the God "Janus", who has two faces which can simultaneously look backwards into the old year as well as toward the new one**

Yay it's Christmas....oh no, that's it finished already

The first official Stewart (Inverurie clan) family Christmas has passed, in a seemingly quicker fashion than a Vince Cable backtrack

Who, Dad, is definitely 67 years old, born in 1943. Sorry, private debate:)

A quieter Christmas than is normally standard, Carole, Luca and I stayed at home this year to complete our first year as (officially) a married section of the Stewart family. Carole grew ever more excited by the prospect of organising Christmas as the time drew nearer, and indeed was out of bed and downstairs continuing preparations on Christmas morning a good deal earlier than Luca and I.

Luca was, of course, a particular curiosity. His excitement leading up to the day was palpable (and comparable to his mother), but on the morning itself he awoke at his own pace and enjoyed a leisurely and disciplined breakfast in the kitchen before even contemplating opening his presents.

As expected, however, his temporary level of cool evaporated entirely once the wrapping paper began it's journey around our living room in a thousand pieces. Here he is below, anarchically bellowing that "It's Humungusaur!!!!"

Following further preparations, including the prerequisite round of telephone calls to loved ones (apart from Banchory, where Mum was at church while Dad spent his morning dog walking - a Christmas first for him!), dinner began, and what a feast it was. We'd purchased a goose rather than turkey this year (simply to be a little different), and what an inspired choice it turned out to be - delicious. So delicious in fact that the unthinkable occurred. We had no room left for dessert! Not that Luca minded, due to his decision to blind himself, as follows:-

Luca wasn't alone in playing up for the camera however, as demonstrated below by Carole looking pretty:-

And me looking rather less so:-

We also attended a second Christmas yesterday, enjoying a Boxing Day in Banchory. While Carole and Mum blethered in the kitchen, Luca and Granda played together in the living room. An amusing sight, as I sat watching the Stewart's of two generations apart playing games that best demonstrated each others OCD tendencies.

And the meal? Delicious of course. Was it as good as the previous days feast? Do I look stupid enough to answer that question?

**Useless fact of the day - Apart from mouse/mice, goose/geese is the only animal where the singular and pleural words have different stems**

Iiiiiittsss Chrrriiisssssstttmmaaaassssssssssss!

Ding dong merrily on high indeed, Christmas is now upon us. Recession? Work stress? Pa, these things are entirely incidental compared to the pant wetting excitement of the imminent arrival of Kris Kringle down the chimney tonight.

As the season expects, Christmas is a time where it's most appropriate to evaluate your worth at this time of year. Most pertinently, have I been a good boy? I think so, but to dissuade any likelihood of debate we will move quickly onto Luca......

.....who has become as interesting a character as you could expect. With a brain like a sponge and an ability to act and improvise in almost any situation, he has become an intriguing presence to be around. My only current issue is that he has now hit the "why" stage.

"Daddy, why are you driving slowly", he'll enquire.

"Because the roads are slippy" I'll reply

"Why?" he'll ask

"Because it's snowing"

"Why?"

"Because moisture freezes into ice crystals in the clouds"

"Why?"

"Because it's cold"

"Why?"

"Because it's winter"

"Why?"

Ad infinitum.......

I often wonder whether the winter or my patience will end soonest

Segueing entirely seamlessly (ahem) onto the next subject, Lucy requested on her last blog for a selection of music to go out running to. Like Dad, compiling music lists is a sad obsession, so for Lucy's benefit here's a list of the 15 best tracks to exercise to:-

Foo Fighters - The Pretender

Biffy Clyro - That Golden Rule

Manic Street Preachers - Australia

Andrew WK - We Want Fun

Avril Lavigne - Sk8r Boi

Supergrass - Caught By The Fuzz

Bon Jovi - It's My Life

Paramore - Decode

The Offspring - Kids Aren't Alright

Gabriella Cilmi - On A Mission

Stereophonics - Dakota

Florence And The Machine - Drumming Song

Katy Perry - Hot N Cold

Elastica - Stutter

Linkin Park - New Divide

I can also provide a list of music to warm down to Lucy, if only you'd ask. Go on, ask. Please ask

Our house has long since been prepared for Christmas. Carole has enthusiastically picked up the baton this year and ran with it. And ran and ran. Our house is awash with Christmasness, even reaching absurdly festive levels in the building of a Christmas gingerbread house, as depicted below:-

Our son has also enjoyed the advent calendars greatly too. We have two separate chocolate calendars. It is now December 24th. And I am yet to sample a single piece of chocolate from my calendar. "You can have one tomorrow Daddy, OK?" is the morning speech repeated to me on a daily basis by everyone's favourite toddler with the dual accent.

My only issue with this years festivities is that Carole's present pile will be little light this year. Due to the severe weather of the past few weeks, deliveries have been slow to the point that internet orders have been entirely worthless. Still, at least I was prepared and purchased a few gifts the old fashioned way - by braving the shops and muscling my way past Christmas shoppers with that tell-tale psychopathic look in their eyes. Luca has accompanied me on a couple of these jaunts, as you can see below:-

Daddy's popularity with the young rapscallion diminishes further with each snow laden trek. However, he always eagerly joins me as the chance of a tasty snack in the nearest cafe is always a high probability. I must improve his table manners though, as is evident below........

Although there are many more Christmas related stories to tell (and embellish), I will take this opportunity to sign off and rejoin my rarely accompanied wife downstairs. She has been a Christmas widow this week as I've continued to work daily and allied it with last minute Christmas shopping in the evenings. So to precede the threat of divorce proceedings, I'll wish you all the happiest of Christmases and will of course be thinking of you.

**Useless fact of the day - Santa Clause is sometimes referred to as Kriss Kringle, a name most likely derived from Christ Kindl (Christ-child). The German name of the Christ Child is Christkind, commonly used in its diminutive form Christkindel**

Luca the actor (Dec 17th 2010)

Luca was infected by the acting bug on Tuesday, as he and his nursery cohorts performed a Christmas nativity play for us. Here he is below, in full shepherds costume (sans hat)

Can you spot him in the picture below too? Where's Wally indeed

It was an interesting experience watching him, albeit certainly not an intriguing one. Whisper it, but it was a little boring to be honest, and by the end I'm certain I wasn't the only parent staring at the ceiling and thinking about whether Aberdeen FC should play with two strikers up front, or just one with the wide players pushing forward at will. Oh God, what if I'm wrong and I was the only one there wishing I was elsewhere? I'm a bad Dad.

Aside from this, I've been on holiday again for much of this week - I really need to organise my years allowance a little better next year. Almost as a counter to my previous break, this week I've kept busy mainly with DIY. A scary thought, as my skills at home improvements are probably akin to Dawn French's as a fitness trainer.

However, the house is still standing, which is a good, as well as a little surprising. Carole was even impressed by what I've done in her bathroom, although I know she is highly nervous about "hubster" being home alone with a saw, an electric drill and a lot of spare time.....

That said, the work has come to a crashing halt again. The early part of the week (with DIY, Luca's show, football and Christmas shopping) was hugely busy, but the latter stages of this week have been a lot less productive. I've been infected with a heavy cold, and with this I've essentially slept almost constantly for the past 24 hours. When everything that exits your body is coloured a peculiar hue of luminous yellow then you know you're in trouble.

With this cold, my memory isn't great, so my recollection of many Luca related stories of late is restricted to say the least. However, he has been his normal monkey-esque self. We have our Christmas tree up now, and surrounding it is an (already) plentiful supply of presents. This hasn't gone unnoticed by our "cherub", who constantly asks "Is it Christmas yet?". On Wednesday I popped through to the kitchen to prepare his food, only to be disturbed a noise picked up by my bat-like ears (as a parent your hearing improves by about 500%....). It was the sound of paper tearing. I ran through to the living room to see........

........Do I even need to say? A 3 (nearly 4) year old sitting beside the tree with a clump of Christmas wrapping paper in one hand and the resultant opened present in the other. "It's a DVD" he excitedly relayed to me, a smile plastered across his beaming face

The joys. Finally, "enjoy" the video clip below of Luca in his play. He's the one impatiently swinging the toy sheep around by it's tail, and looking almost as bored as his Dad.....

**Useless fact of the day - The term "Nativity Drama" is used by Wellesz^[1] in his discussion of the troparion hymns in the Christmas liturgy of Byzantine Rite Churches, from Sophronius in the seventh century. Goldstein argues^[2] that the label "drama" is misleading, that the troparia are more akin to an oratorio than a play, and that the form is not a precursor of later more decidedly dramatic form**

Easy like Sunday morning

Why, Mr Stewart, is that a camera in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Nope, it's just a camera, and to prove it scroll down through the compendium of pictures I've taken these past couple of days........

"You know I'm going to have a poo in your shoe for this, don't you?"

What happened next? Did Luca:-

A - Happily and politely shake hands and engage the store Santa in conversation?

Or

B - Spin round and run to the safety that is the back of his Dad's knee's?

"Look at me Dad, I'm pulling an effeminate pose!"

Smug

Every time we pass through the train station Luca insists on waiting for a short while. "Grandma's train might get here soon" he always insists

This was great. Taken earlier today, Luca witnessed his first ever traditional Punch 'N' Judy show. It's weird watching as an adult, you don't actually recognise its demonstration of severe domestic violence when you're an innocent minded tot.....

"Fireenginefireenginefireenginefireenginefireengineffireengine!" This was parked up in Inverurie town centre, and the firemen allowed an incredibly excited Luca to climb aboard - and even sound the sirens. We thought he might just self combust with excitement at this point......

That smile didn't leave his face until quite some time after

Balloon toy. In the mind of a child, if you don't know what it is then what do you do? That's right, you put it on your head

Or just hit Daddy with it

Luca's illness of the last week has almost passed now, and although his hunger hasn't yet returned his energy is slowly creeping back. He's survived (to a moderate extent anyway) a busy weekend, with a discernible decrease in the number of "wig-outs"

Of course some still remain. We made a trip to Aberdeen yesterday in an attempt to purchase new shoes and boots for him (to complain about). As our trip coincided with his Granny and Granda's visit to the cinema (to view the wholly unappealing "The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest") we arranged to meet up for a drink and a bite. All the way there Luca excitedly told me how he was going to "Cuddle Granny Jo and tickle Granda Ian". But did he?

Nope. He cuddled into me throughout like a neglected 3 month old and whined. At least Granda knew how to rouse him slightly. "What's that?" Granda queried, pointing to an item near the cafe's checkout. "Is that chocolate?" a suddenly re-energised voice replied, "For me............."

Today was busier still. Another trip to Aberdeen ensued, this time with the accompaniment of our resident Mum/Wife. A busy morning in the North East's capital city centre included:-

1. Shoe shopping for Luca - Or "run at full pace around the store in odd shoes" as Luca seemed to think

2. Cinema - We saw "Shrek Forever After". Whisper it, but it was actually really good.......

3. Remote control car racing - A demonstration track had been set up inside the Union Square shopping centre. One of the demonstrators made the mistake of allowing Luca to control one of the cars. How much damage can a 4 year old cause in the space of 30 seconds............

4. Punch 'n' Judy show - Or "A guide to domestic violence and petty theft" as it could be renamed. Great fun, but perhaps something that perhaps should have been phased out around the same time as "The Magic Roundabout" and "The Black and White Minstrel Show"..........

5. KFC - Yes, fast food. My stomach will now perform complex gymnastics over the next few days

6. Fire engine - Imagine children on drugs. Even an instance of this still wouldn't adequately describe Luca's excitement levels during this experience

We also somehow shoehorned the entire stockroom of John Lewis into the back of my car. With the number of wedding vouchers so far spent by Carole there, their shareholders will indeed soon enjoy a Very Merry Christmas

**Useless fact of the day - Wikipedia describes Punch from Punch 'n' Judy as a "deformed, child-murdering, wife-beating psychopath who commits appalling act of violence and cruelty upon all those around him and escapes scot-free**

How long, hmm mmm, has this been going on?

Has anyone noticed it's been snowing this week?

I'll try to pay scant mention to it tonight, as I'm certain you've been bored (and have bored others) with constant chatter regarding this white stuff. That arrives every year around the same time

Why are we so obsessed with the weather? Every winter the snow falls and we take a day or two off work. We then spend this downtime staring out the window, while simultaneously shaking our heads and muttering "the snow is really starting to lie now". When not doing this we sit in front of the TV, tutting as the news tells us the same scare stories about empty supermarkets and no petrol

And every year everything is fine.

I haven't personally needed to take a "snow day" this week, as I've been on holiday. But I've had the company of a certain L.M.Stewart for much of it - he's picked up another illness, leaving both him and I housebound.

He's OK, but his stomach's sore, his cheeks boiling, his appetite non existent and his cough is akin to that of an 90 year old life-long Woodbines smoker. It was so extreme on Wednesday that he was kept awake until the early hours - his coughing was so constant he couldn't fall asleep.

But - he's a lot better now. Indeed, he went back to nursery today. As much as I enjoyed being with him, it was good to see him back amongst his friends again.

And it was probably more entertaining for him also. As you know (primarily from this blog), I spend an inordinate amount of time with the shaggy headed little terror. However, it's really been brought home to me this week how much time we spend together outside the house, rather than in our home together.

Cinema, park, football, library, swimming, etc, etc. We'll go anywhere, as long as it's a mini adventure. However, it transpires I'm a rather less effectual Dad within the confines of our home. I simply didn't know what to do with him over such lengths of time stuck within the four walls of our house. Carole has always been more home oriented than I, and also has a great deal more patience. I find it difficult not to tire quickly of the games he likes to play (his puzzles, board games, jigsaws, etc), and this became an area of great chagrin.

Luca, as is his wont, requires your constant companionship when ill. Indeed, even trips to the lavatory cause him a degree of upset. At one point when I was having a shower he walked into the bathroom and sat on top of the down turned toilet seat, patiently waiting for me to finish. "Luca, go through to the living room" I laughed through the sound of the fizzing shower jets. "I can't", came the rather wimpy reply, "I miss you"

The one game I can do is fighting however. Despite his illness (and with it the constant spells of limited energy) he has frequently founds the energy to engage me in our customary play flights. "I'm coming to get you Humungasaur" he'll cry, with his face creased into a faux rage, "Krumpalump will destroy you!"

For the record, he long ago christened me Humungasaur and he as Krumpalump as our battle names.....

I'll enter the proviso swiftly before I move on - Luca knows the only person he is allowed to fight is his Dad, and he admirably keeps to this arrangement.

I should go now, as the time has passed the midnight hour. To finish I hope you enjoy the following video of Luca, taken only a couple of days ago. It's a little unique, as for the first time in the light of day he was able to describe the details of the nightmare he'd endured hours previously. Just watch, and enjoy picking out the bits where he's clearly using a bit of "artistic licence".......

**Useless fact of the day - Luca's favourite TV show "Ben 10" now has it's own travelling roadshow. It's next due in Bristol. It's not coming to Aberdeen :(**

It'll be lonely this Christmas

I'm a little bored.

Carole is out tonight on her "gym girls" Christmas night out. Dressed as a "Sexy Santa". In temperatures of minus 9 degree's.

Me? I'm home alone. Luca went to bed almost as soon as we arrived home from dropping Carole off, and with this the creation of the situation where I find myself with no-one to speak to. Because I'm so lonely I actually shared the giant sausage roll I'd heated up for my dinner with the dogs, just so I'd gain a little attention from some fellow living beings, even just briefly

They ignored me again after the cupboard love ended

I've amused myself by making strawberry and banana ice cream using the new ice cream maker we bought from John Lewis. In common with the rest of the evening it was highly disappointing

I still ate it though. That's how bored I am.

I should start talking about Luca........but there's not much to say. Due to work, football and the weather I didn't see him between Tuesday morning and Friday night. However, he has clearly gained a sense of "humour" during this period.

We were driving home from Aberdeen this evening, when after a (rare) period of quiet contemplation, he barked out "Daddy, where's your hair?". "Excuse me?" I replied. "You never have any hair Dad. I do though, I have lots of hair. You don't, na na na na na na"

He then proceeded to roll his head in laughter.

I'm now on holiday for a week. Expect the next post to be of a more positive variety. In the interim please enjoy this video of Luca running. Not much happens, he just runs. And it's two months old too. Sorry. Bad blog. Must do better

**Useless fact of the day - Luca didn't have a poo between Tuesday and today. Coincidentally the same period during which he didn't see me. He must have missed me so much it made him constipated. Please don't correct me**

Stevie Wonder sings it best

I'm afraid I'll need to direct you to my "Facebook" page if you wish to view any pictures tonight - the photo upload facility is, in technical parlance, "knackered"

You're not missing much however. I don't have any images of Luca "The Scar" Stewart. His chickenpox has cleared, but for those of you with long memories (not you Mum) you'll recall the affliction from your youth, and the bright red scabs that adorn your body for weeks (nay months) afterwards

Indeed, have a little look at yourself as you get undressed for bed tonight - most of us have at least one small and forgotten scar as a reminder of not listening to our Mums as children. "Stop picking!"

Carole celebrated her birthday on Friday, and a landmark one is was too. It was her 21st! OK, her second 21st - does that still count?

With her birthday falling on a weekday we kept the initial celebrations muted. I cooked a three course meal (OK, I bought the latter two courses from M&S) before cuddling up on the sofa with a movie and a bottle of sparkling wine. The wine must have done it's trick, as Carole fell asleep barely ten minutes into the film, only waking at the end credits to enquire "Was it good?"

Thankfully she was a little more alert the following day. After dropping Luca at his Grandparents ("I'm going to be a tiger and fight Granda!") I took Carole to Huntly for an afternoon of horse riding. She loved it of course, even more so for the additional fact the farm owners owned an almost uncountable number of German Shepherd dogs.

Once the "I want a new Abby" look passed from her eyes, we both climbed atop our respective steeds (Carole gracefully, me rather less so) and took off through the endless acres of forest walks and fields. Caroles horse was gorgeous, with a dual coloured mane and blue eyes, while mine was just big and extremely fast. When booking the trek, I'd rather stretched the truth as to my actual riding abilities, and had convinced the farm owners I was an "experienced" rider.

"Experienced my ar*e" they must have thought, as my horse set innumerable land speed records while I gripped on for dear life, desperately trying to remember if I ever signed that will.

Thankfully, our meal that evening was a little more sedate. I took Carole to "Malmaison" in Aberdeen. It was a beautifully set establishment with an imaginative array of dishes. However, although the food was good, it did just fall just short of what it's reputation would suggest. And the service was slow - it perplexes me that lazy service seems to be deemed acceptable for this standard of restaurant

Although the slow service didn't stop a steady stream of glasses of wine arriving and being quickly consumed by the birthday girl with the ever chattier mouth but ever wilting eyelids.....

**Useless fact of the day - One of the first horses was called a Hyracotherium. It lived about 50 million years ago and was as tall as a fox. It had toes! This horse changed over millions of years to become a modern horse**

Chickenpox

Luca has chickenpox.

It appeared almost instantly during the night on Thursday. I went in to see him late in the evening, as I'd heard coughing come from his bedroom. However, his cough wasn't troubling him. "Dad", he quietly muttered, "My side hurts".

That's when I discovered the first of his spots, both on his lift hand side. Removal of his jammy top revealed a couple of dozen more.

Now? I couldn't even count them

What else? I had jury duty today,and may be required again later this week. It's an intriguing tale - of which I legally can't divulge further. Sorry

We started spending our wedding vouchers on Saturday. When I say "we" I mean Carole chooses the items, and I carry them.

I've taken up betting too. I put down bets totalling £10 on Saturday, with £5 on an Aberdeen footballing victory (12-1!) and the rest on Audley Harrison to beat David Haye (6-1)

I have a feeling this activity will not make me a rich man.

**Useless fact of the day - Chickenpox is usually a mild disease. However, in adults and children with weakened immune systems, chickenpox can cause serious complications and even death**

Married

I'm married. As unlikely as I was ever to enter into such a partnership. But I am. And I'm happy.

Carole though? I think best summed up by the email she sent me today titled "First baby steps...." which read as thus:-

""I've got a new email address on yahoo - so I'll be phasing out my old
one :-(
carole.stewart0@yahoo.co.uk""

Obviously it was a smiley face she intended rather than a sad one :)

However, our marriage was almost hastily ended only two days after the wedding. We were in the cinema, enjoying "Paranormal Activity 2" when a "clink, clunk" noise was heard. Carole's head swivelled toward mine. "Was that your ring?" she gasped. Sheepishly I nodded. Having never worn any form of jewellery in my lifetime, the presence of a ring on my finger has caused continual fiddling with said object, and a little too much of this caused the ring to spin off my finger into the inky pitch blackness of the cinema's floor

I found it. My heart, having taken residence in my mouth during my desperate search, gradually lowered

I hope everyone enjoyed the wedding. We did, and what I said in my speech wasn't simply insincere platitudes - I (we) are so grateful for everyone's help throughout. Particularly to our parents and siblings, we honestly, seriously, couldn't have done this without you

I'm disappointed no-one caught Luca's exclamation of "Mummy's a princess" during the vows however. Indeed, the only time Luca was caught on video was during his now infamous heckle during my speech. "Clouds" indeed......

As a final aside for Mum's benefit, I unconsciously muttered a favoured phrase of Granda Bill's as Luca and I drove to nursery recently. "We're off like a flash but we ain't got no cash". "That's funny" he immediately squealed hysterically, "Do it again". I did, and his head rolled with laughter. Now consciously remembering further, I regaled Luca with Granda's infamous "Beep beep galooga galooga". He wailed with laughter. "That's what your great Granda used to say" I told him. "He's a very funny man, isn't he Daddy?"

He was indeed.

I'll post more later, but in the interim see below for a selection of honeymoon pictures from Ireland:-

Outside the famous Killarney Cathedral. Notice the tea cosy Carole had stolen from a local cafe

Carole excitedly clambering astride her white steed. The guy assisting remarkably resembles Charlie from "Eastenders"

My horse. Or cart horse. This is a picture taken before the ride. It would have differed slightly after the ride, what with the leg shaped marks I left in it's side as I desperately held on for dear life. As we cantered through fields, forests and puddles both Carole and the instructor continuously turned round to make sure I was OK. On every occasion I flashed a confident smile, before replacing it with the more familiar look of sheer terror every time they turned away.

**Useless fact of the day - The population of Killarney as at Census 2002 was 12,087**

Play that funky music white boy

A short one tonight. It's 11.30pm on Sunday night, and this is my final attempt to blog after innumerable false starts across the past few days

It's been a hectic time at work (plus ca change - which is fast becoming my cliche) and my adding up skills are no longer able to approximate the hours I spend in the office. I arrived back home at 11pm on Friday night and dived (dove?? Na) into bed for a few hours before jumping back up and heading back to work. My arrival home was at 7pm the same day (on a Saturday....) and I was only saved from a pre-emptive divorce due to the DVD and Chinese takeaway I wisely acquired on my way home.

I have much to mention, but time is proving restrictive. Have I mentioned the hotel Carole and I will stay during the two nights between the wedding and our flight to Dublin? It's the Park Inn, have a look at the link:- http://www.parkinn.co.uk/hotel-aberdeen

I know what you're thinking. "Is that a popular city centre hostelry which perchance serves beverages of the alcoholic variety only yards from their hotel's front door?"

Yeah it is :)

Finally, enjoy the video below. I at last managed to catch Luca dancing, although as you'll notice he is a little reticent to the idea of being filmed. My favourite bit is toward the end where he shakes his chubby cheeks to the beat.

**Useless fact of the day - If you're dancing, you're probably doing it to some of your favorite tunes, which not only keeps your body moving, but your brain as well. A study in the Heart & Lung journal showed that people who listened to music while they exercised showed better "verbal fluency," as listening to music "may stimulate and increase cognitive arousal while helping to organize cognitive output."**

Can you tell that I'm bored?

I'm paying for my lack of social interaction today. Carole's hen night is this evening, which was preceded by a lengthy hair and make-up appointment in town. This has resulted in my being left with toddler sitting responsibilities. No bad thing, but lordy have I misjudged the length of the day.

Being the highly unsociable and borderline surly individual you know and (cough) love, I often revel in situations where I'm left in my own company (contemplative thinking, working late in the office, etc) but on this occasion I've made rather a misjudgement.

Although Luca demands constant attention (to say the least) being as young as he presently is does limit conversation somewhat, as does his attention span. For example, earlier today Luca heard a word on the radio that was new to him - mystery. "What does mystery mean Dad?" he enquired. "Well, son" I began, impressed with the boys eagerness to learn along with the opportunity to demonstrate one of my few (very few) strengths "The easiest way for me to explain it to you would involve....."

At this point he pounced onto my knee, grabbed the sides of my head with both hands and proclaimed "Daddy - you've got bogeys in your nose!"

Coming back to the main point, that being one of the difference between loneliness and isolation. With Carole not being present all day, I decided to take Luca out with me to run varying errands (shopping, post office, picking up dog food, etc) rather than do anything of a more social nature (such as football, visiting, etc). It seemed the logical choice at the time, but following Luca's surprisingly early departure to bed at 6.40pm ("I tired Daddy, carry me to bed") I've been left with the realisation that other than the odd "thanks" or "bye" I haven't actually conversed with an adult since yesterday.

Which leads to to my decision to write a blog tonight. As you'll by now have guessed, my reasons for writing aren't as altruistic as usual. Indeed, tonight's blog is merely an opportunity to talk to myself without having to actually speak out loud, therefore reminding myself of the precariousness of sanity.

I'm assuming I'm not alone with these thoughts? Oh God, what if I am? What if no-one else talks out loud to themselves on occasion, and then worries about it? OK, new poll - look to the right of the page and vote post haste!

Before this entry becomes too self indulgent (although I think we "jumped that shark" about two years ago) I'll revert back to it's basic intention - inform you of the vagaries of our family life. Carole first, who interestingly becomes ever more affectionate and gooey eyed as the wedding date approaches. I think part of this is due her relaxing as most arrangements have finally been completed, but extraordinarily I think she's seriously looking forward to being married too. Perhaps I should work a little less and be a little nicer in order to live up to her hopes.

And Luca, what's going on with him? No overt changes I can think of, although his grammar and creative thinking continue to expand. We've been able to reason with him for quite some time now, but lately he's been thinking more, and offers a variety of alternative solutions to problems.

Or "argues more" to put it more simply.

He's also become very affectionate too, and has taken to holding my hand almost permanently when he's around me. Indeed, he even grabbed it yesterday morning at the breakfast table and proceeded to eat his cereal with one hand and hold my hand with the other. Cute. Conversely however, over the last couple of months he's stopped giving me a kiss goodnight. I still get a cuddle "but no kiss". This is part of his growing up I suspect, and one of many that shows his rapid progress from baby to boy. Gratifying to see from so many angles, but sad to lose my baby at the same time.

And me? I'm fine, slight levels of madness aside. Still stupidly working 60-70 hour weeks and eating a diet so bad my doctor would have an aneurysm at the sheer thought, but these aside I'm good.

And I tonight watched what will surely be film of the year in all the end-of-year polls. "Kick Ass". If you haven't seen it rent it now. If you haven't heard of it Google it. And if you keep an open mind you'll love it.

Unless excessive usage of the "C" word is overly off putting.

Tomorrow brings Carole's predicted hangover, so Luca and I will bail out to find refuge and a television to watch Partick Thistle play in Scotland's first cup semi final of the season. Exciting stuff, considering our general ineptitude and malaise, so if you're having a lazy Sunday afternoon then exercise your remote control finger and search your freeview box for the BBC Alba channel at around 3pm

Yes, of course they are going to lose. Now remember to vote and (hopefully) allay my mental health fears.

**Useless fact of the day - BBC Alba's viewing figures per month are around 250000. Total**

Difficult conversations with a toddler

During his waking hours, it's immeasurably difficult to go online without Luca's bat-like ears hearing the click and whirr of a computer. Even if he's on a different floor that familiar high pitched voice will call out "Daddy, are you playing on the computer?". His question is almost incidental, as whether you reply to the affirmative or negative (ie - lie) those little feet will come stomping up the stairs.

Although it's frequently a pleasure to have his company at such times - he just likes to sit on your knee and watch - other times can be more problematic. Such as this weekend. We were trawling through the photo's on his Granda's blog ("That's Granny! That's Granda! That's Granda again!" "Look at the holes on Granda's legs!") until we happened upon an image posted on 17th August, that of a whole roasted pig, head and all.

Suddenly a deep frown crossed his face. "What are they doing to that piggy?" he cried, "The piggy has an owey". I paused briefly, contemplating whether the truth or a white lie would be needed. I chose the truth. "The pig has been on a barbecue" I stated, "So the people can eat their lunch." Cue a confused glare. "You don't eat pigs!" he roared, "Piggy's are our friends"

This conversation continued a while longer, until I was sure he understood. However, I'm unsure of my decision. Did I convey this information to him too early? Should I have waited until he was older? Please vote in today's poll on the right hand side of the page.

Luca's had a busy weekend, and slightly unusually has spent the majority with his Mummy. While I've been snoozing, he and his Mum have been running around together. They particularly enjoyed their trip to the cinema yesterday to watch "Toy Story 3" in 3D. Apparently he spent the movie swiping his hands in front of his face, as the 3D effects danced around the forefront of his vision.

That's not to say he and his Dad have been completely inactive however. We went to the Inverurie Loco's V Deveronvale cup match on Saturday afternoon. The result? A resounding 5 - 0 duffing for our local side. Luca clearly has been inflicted with the same unfortunate luck/curse suffered by preceding generations of football supporting Stewart's. Here he is at the game, having quietly crept under the barrier on his way to invading the pitch after the fourth goal went in.

On Sunday morning - with his Mother hill climbing - he was forced to join me at the office for a brief spell. Not being of great help with import commodity codes, I sat him in the closest canteen in front of CBeebies on the TV. Yes, I did ask him to smile at the camera. But television holds a greater appeal than his father.

We did hit a first at the office though. "I need a wee wee" he cried, rather predictably after his 4th glass of orange juice. With the unsurprising lack of a potty at my workplace, he happily used the main toilet. Nothing odd about that. Except his decision to have a pee standing up! As shocked as I was by his decision I was delighted, although he did have to strain on his tip toes to get his "little man" over the rim of the toilet bowl. "Aim it Daddy" he squealed, as long squirty flows of urine decorated the previously pristine interior of the bathroom.

In non-Luca related news, I achieved what I'd previous considered unachievable on Saturday evening - I convinced Carole to watch a subtitled foreign language film! As you know, Carole is rather fond of big budget, blockbuster, predominantly horror movies, and with this independent cinema holds little appeal for her. However,she sat entranced through French film "La Horde", enjoying every minute.

Of course, it was a French film about killer zombies, but every giant leap starts with a little step. And of course I'm not particularly averse to any film featuring levels of grisly nastiness either......

**Useless fact of the day - Former Leicester City and Millwall goalie Kasey Keller used to be the proud owner of a gas-powered car that was unable to reverse**

Alive. It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!

That right arm - famous for pulling Dad's nose and stealing the food from my plate given any opportunity - was relieved of it's temporary sling prison on Tuesday, as the doctors concurred that the collarbone break was now healed

Apparently a little bump remains in the bone (though I can't locate it), but due to his age that will absorb, leaving no trace.

I think his Granny, unnecessarily feeling guilty for the toddlers fall, was most delighted by this prognosis. "Give Granny a cuddle using both arms" I instructed Luca once the doctor was satisfied. I don't think I've seen Mum smile so hard as he wrapped both arms tightly round her.

Amusingly he now needs constant reminders to relax his arm. Weeks of having his arm constrained in a single position has led him to unconsciously hold it in an "L" shape in front of his chest for periods. He gets a little embarrassed by his forgetfulness, and during a visit to the supermarket later that same day sternly told me that "I like it like this"

There's little else of note to report I'm afraid. Unless you're interested in how I fared in my footballing comeback following a two week absence due to a minor foot injury? No? Fair enough

**Useless fact of the day - Carole passed her recent IT exam following a 3-4 day course with a 78% score despite having thought she'd failed**

You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked, is it?

My metamorphosis into Aberdeenshire's own Delboy Trotter was made complete on Sunday, as I staggered out of bed at 5.30am and drove through deserted dawn streets toward Thainstone Market. My car, overflowing with an unimaginable amount of worthless cr*p, arrived at destination perfectly on time, at the advised hour of 6am. Where I positioned my motor in the queue alongside similarly lifeless souls in their work vans and saturated Renault Clio's. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited. A full hour later the gates were finally and suddenly opened and we haphazardly filed in one by one, desperately wiping the condensation off the inside of our windscreens as we blindly drove, open flasks of coffee tipping everywhere as we did. We were shown to our allocated spots, from where we............guess what? Waited a little bit more.

A further hour passed before the market officially opened, and only then did the strict market rules allow our boots to be opened and cheap foldaway tables laid out (un)resplendently. A scene akin to dropping a bag of chips at the seaside ensued, where the seagull-esque punters descended on our vehicles without mercy. Desperately keeping this previously unseen horde at bay while we unpacked was easily the days most stressful job.

It was interesting to see which items markedly enticed the buyers. My DVD collection and books remained largely, and surprisingly, untouched throughout. Most peculiarly however my biggest seller, without question, was my music collection. I've long known my music taste is of an "acquired" nature (obscure indie label bands primarily) so I fully expected to finish the day with much of it still in my possession. As so often, how wrong I was.

Word quickly got around that a trader (guess who?) was here with "great stuff" (the words of innumerable punters who turned up breathless, eagerly sifting through my CD collection) and my long built up collection was rapidly decimated by lines of ageing indie kids. Perversely, the more obscure a band was, the more excited many of these buyers got. One almost literally salivated as I described in detail the sound and genre of "The Concretes" first album.

At least I now know there are people in the world significantly sadder than myself.

Carole and Luca turned up mid-morning to visit, and allow me a brief break to stretch my legs. Luca particularly enjoyed his job as the banker, and eagerly popped the proceeds of each sale into the tin. His attention span ran short, however, by an appetite that would put Godzilla to shame. He sat in the boot of my car and munched away throughout. Banana? Gone. Crisps? Gone. Biscuits? Gone. Chocolate bar? Gone. Our food stock ran drier than a hot Saharan summers day, so Luca and his stomach (we classify them as two separate entities now) was taken home again by his Mum to further devour the contents of our cupboards and fridge. Here's the two of them (or three counting the toddlers tummy) before they departed.

I eventually arrived home mid-afternoon, where a wife-to-be was present and waiting with my much needed late lunch, and a son who was waiting to help me eat it.

**Useless fact of the day - Each year 1.5 billion pounds are spent at Car Boot Sales in the UK. One million people visit Car Boot Sales every weekend**

Bad backs of the world unite

A lazy weekend is being perdured, with my buttocks having rarely left the agonisingly uncomfortable confines of our bedroom carpet

Why? Because I've spent much of the day in front of my PC, enduring the painfully slow process of burning my entire CD collection to my hard drive in preparation of their forthcoming sale. Tomorrow, at the point where dusk turns to dawn I'll roll out of bed and pour my aching and unwilling figure into the front seat of my car and drive the 3 miles from our house to the weekly car boot sale at Thainstone Market (http://www.goanm.co.uk/thainstonecentre/sundaymarket/index.html)

Again, you may ask the question why (or perhaps not, I'd guess the arch tediousness of this blog has lost most of you so far). Don't I have a job that brings in enough pennies to feed and cloth my family? Well, yes (indeed I've just had a well timed promotion with commensurate pay rise) but as the wedding approaches - 35 days, yikes - the bills are beginning to drop through our letterbox with increasing regularity. I don't expect a car boot sale to contribute too much, but as they say in Asda - every little helps

Despite my earlier comments, it's actually been quite interesting sifting through our loft and cupboards, finding items of monetary value, emotional value and (predominantly unfortunately) no value. See the picture below for what is presently strewn beside me:-

And this is but a small percentage of what I'll be taking with me - much of our upstairs hallway is filled with junk I've dragged out.

It's been quite a nostalgic process as I dig through the rubble. You remember where you lived when you bought that book, or the places you went around the time of buying that CD. Of course, however, you only remember the good things from those times. It's interesting how time filters the bad memories from your mind and leaves only those of a more pleasant variety.

Liz left us just a few days ago, after her most recent week long visit. For a variety of reasons both Luca and Carole enjoyed her visit even more than normal, with both rather quiet and subdued following her departure. Carole in particular loved having her around, for all the help with wedding preparations. Conversely this is without mention of the simple fact she doesn't see her Mum enough, and time is always finite.

Luca has been in good spirits of late, with his broken collarbone and sling barely slowing him down. He still throws himself at his Dad like a guided missile, and with this my face has been contorted permanently into the following expression:-

Wednesday, with his final hospital appointment and accompanying x-ray and (expected) doctor's all clear can't come soon enough.

**Useless fact of the day - In 1998, the latest year for which such information is available, among persons over 65 years of age, 4,655 white men and 132 African-American males committed suicide. By contrast, 902 white women and 20 African-American women committed suicide that year**

Who's that?

This is Carole. Voluntarily posing for a picture. Of course, there are conditions attached - namely her simple desire to show off part of the apparel of her hen night costume. Fangs to follow....

This has been the first blog in many a month not to begin with mention of Luca. And of course I'll revert to norm with the pictures below, the first demonstrating Luca's complete disregard for the healing process of his broken bone - I'd asked him to pose and smile, so he took off instead, his sling (and hips - he is dramatic) sashaying in his wake.

Our initial intention had been to watch the local amateur football team play football (perversely Luca hates football on TV, yet loves watching the game live and in person) but the game had ended just before our arrival. In the light of this I, hesitantly, agreed to take him instead to the swing park. And yes, that's my toddler son with a broken collarbone climbing up the slippy part of a slide one handed. Eeek!

"It's not easy with one hand" he'd said before his ascent. This statement has become his mantra since the break. Putting on shoes, eating cereal, even turning the TV channel - the cry of "Help me, it's not easy with one hand" will emanate from a toddler who is clearly milking the situation for all it's worth.

"Catch me at the bottom Dad - it's not easy to stop with one hand"

The final picture below was the last taken before I dropped and destroyed my camera. Judging by the quality, perhaps the God's of photography were trying to tell me something.

Finally, please cast your vote on the poll above. Before our departure to our Irish honeymoon Carole and I will be spending two nights in a hotel in Aberdeen. I've narrowed it down to two choices. Let me know your vote, and I promise not to entirely disregard your opinion. Probably.

**Useless fact of the day - The owner of Kodak (George Eastman) named his company after the sound the he thought the camera shutter made**

Luca's first broken bone

This picture was taken only an hour ago, immediately after leaving Aberdeen Children's A&E. Luca had a fall outside nursery this afternoon after his Granny Jo picked him up, and although it initially appeared the damage was little more than superficial, over time it transpired there was more wrong than originally suspected.

A trip to the hospital followed, where an x-ray revealed a broken collarbone. It'll repair itself over the next few weeks, and he'll wear a sling during much of that time to aid the healing process.

He's home now however, and went to bed laughing and is clearly in little discomfort. I'll report more tomorrow, and will take a video of him proudly displaying his sling.

And yeah, my heart is still in my mouth!

**Useless fact of the day - The collarbone is the bone most often broken (fractured) in childhood. Children are prone to breaking collarbones because they don't completely harden until adulthood.

The clavicles, or collarbones, are the long bones that help connect the shoulder girdle to the rib cage. A break can happen when a toddler falls on her shoulder or on an outstretched hand**

Just photo's and video's tonight

Another weekend has passed with Luca having again worn down my limited reserves. With this as my excuse to type little of note, please scroll down to enjoy/endure Luca's recent misadventures:-

My favourite one to inaugurate proceedings - Luca pulling faces on the corner of the most infamous street in Aberdeen's red light district! Fear not, as the time was barely 10am it was unlikely we'd come across any inappropriate activities. We'd taken the train into Aberdeen to visit the cinema and the reasonably significant distance between the train station and beach side cinema (surprisingly uncovered by public transport) necessitated us taking the shortest route. Considering the surprisingly hot weather endured Luca's puffed utterance of "I'm too small for this", clearly angling for me to offer a carry (an offer which wasn't forthcoming), wasn't entirely unexpected.

We had a few shops to visit after the movie ("Planet 51" - he loved it, I thought it was terrible) and of course those big brown eyes pleaded for me to supply a shiny pound coin every time we stumbled across a child ride. Being a soft touch, I often accede.

We took the bus home, but only just caught it. We'd ran the last hundred yards to the bus station, with the wee man showing surprising acceleration. The bus doors were closing as we arrived, but the driver kindly waited and allowed us to step (or in Luca's case vault) on. This was one instance (of many) where the presence of Luca was a boon. Would the driver have stopped and waited had I, a 6ft+ shaven headed lanky thug, been the only one running? Unlikely.

As you can see, the excessive walking around Aberdeen (we covered a few miles) had exhausted the boy, and he fell asleep a few times on the journey home. Perhaps we'll stick to the car until his stubby legs are a little longer!

He's rarely still for long however.

This one was taken today, as he bravely pushed his Dad to the side and fought off the Great White Shark with his bare hands. Either that, or he was pulling a comically poor scared face as we passed an odd shopping centre mural.

The above video is so dark to upload it was almost an act of pure folly - you can't see anything besides the final three seconds. Look carefully however. This was Luca dancing to the music during the end credits of "Planet 51". Trust me on this, he really works his derriere as he jives.

The final video was taken last week. Enjoy the bit right at the end where he plays keepy-up using only his head before volleying an overhead kick into the top corner.

**Useless fact of the day - Commonly used words to describe this blogs author are deceiver, deluder, fabler, falsifier, fibber, prevaricator and liar. Amongst others**